Shorts or Shots

• “Chapo ni moto, fresh?”
• “Na maharagwe?”
• “Pia maharagwe ni fresh.”

Huyu, you can clearly tell si wa huku. We all come here for their chapos. Me and the boys have some type of system for where to eat depending on the mood, by now you can tell we all bachelors, fish, kuna kwa marthe, for minji we got a different joint na kama we feeling meaty-meaty, matumbo si unajua ile baze kwa corner though they ‘hiked’ the price with an extra ten bob, hatujafurahia. Yes, we will bitch about it but eventually tutazoea si ata mafuta tulisahau waliongeza?

 Today am here alone, I involuntary walked in on my way to find breakfast. Venye hiyo chapo ilinukia nguvu iliisha. I still don’t get how I’m still skinny, ama niache kwenda number two kila kitu ikae ndani? I can feel the glare on my biology teacher, Mr Kimemia, AKA Gedeh. I hope siku hizi unalala hutembei asubuhi before bell kuamshana. FYI I’m sorry for throwing a shoe at you. As my learned friends would put it,

“I was displacing the shoe to another location but I miscalculated the elevation and the dropping point,” you just happened to be on its landing area.

“Chapo mbili beans, nimelipa na mpesa” The guy in front orders.

Definitely a student. It’s now my turn. I just woke up so appetite si kubwa viiile, chapo mbili chai, ata nikumbuke taste ya maziwa would do just fine, plus this way I don’t get to do the dishes, that’s someone else’s problem. I say all this to convince myself before blurting out, “Chapo mbili beans” Okay, the mouth wants what the mouth wants. Minutes later, I pick my food and walk towards the furthest end of the joint. I even forgot am still in shorts but who cares it’s Monday as for me, its my off day. Today I don’t feel like doing anything, good music and vibes all day. Okay this is sad. A man my age ata wa kuekelewa hana, bora chapo ni tamu, who cares?

  “I hope you don’t mind us joining you” she says this while pushing her way sitting directly opposite me. This is new for me. Light skin, in a blue you know those loose but still tight where necessary material trousers, white top shaping the round blossoms with no make-up. I can’t be making up all these, she’s real guys. I’m confused for a little bit. “Us?” I ask wondering who are the rest, they better be all female kama huyu anakaa hivi na the rest? She smiles as she notices there is no “us”.

“Give it a minute. Am sure wameongopa shorts on a Monday” she says jokingly.

“Lazima waogope, ju shots nazo, naenda hadi asubuhi” I say back.

 Shit I just said that. You know that voice in your head that keeps reminding you, nigga you mugwero-ed this up, at this point it even had a rap of how terrible I’m doing. I don’t know about you guys but for me I’m horrible at first impressions. I’ll say all weird things go back home think about it, yeah therapy doesn’t sound that bad at this point.

 My new company blushes, trying very hard to hide behind the chapo. Violently, two more ladies, both in dresses, join us ruining our moment. Okay Lord, I don’t know what you’re planning but your servant is ready, ukiamua kunipea wote watatu who am I to say No?

“(imitating Khaby) This is us, utawezana?” she asks gaining courage. It’s not like I haven’t been in presence of ladies before, but it reaches a time as a man you in the middle of greatness having no idea what do. I think we (men) tend to forget them ladies are humans too and treat them like targets, bora nipewe attitude. Siku hizi story ya friendship naoonea kwa movie, everyone is eating everyone. I’m not saying sitaki, but I think some things got to change ili ata your boo awachane na bae wake and concentrate on you. Mwenye anakupea akupatie wewe pekee. I got jokes; I know.

I get into a deep conversation with the ladies, them explaining what they’d like and what they want in life. I’m surprised these ladies got more focused goals than I do, and the scary part is they don’t involve any male figures. The story begun, “Before I get married….” Hawa ata si wa nitumie fare, these are ladies with brains, the most underrated percentage of ladies in this country of ours. At some point I was begging them to include me in their plans as a silent investor, ju Hapa ata #TembeaNami tunaenda hadi Chalbi Desert. We are in a new generation where ladies are no longer the “house wives”, they are all out here earning. This is getting confusing mostly due to our traditional view of things. As Africans, there’s is no way we’re copying the white man fully. Like for me I’ll prefer if my wife, if I’ll ever have one in this life, serves me food, there is no way am accepting food from the house help. If I wanted that I’d have married the house help instead. I know this is traditional but there is the pride of being part of something, continuing with something, owning something. I’m African, for crying out loud. Okay, we’re changing and that means our culture has to change to something “modern”, but this doesn’t mean we don’t have to maintain it. We all do this for cash. Money is involved in everything, where do you think nitumie fare ilitoka?

The way we kikuyu’s belief that God created some nine tribes or the Maasai from the lower Nile valley north of Lake Turkana (Northwest Kenya) and began migrating south around the 15th century, arriving to a long land mass, stretching from what is now northern Kenya to central Tanzania between the 17th and late 18th century. This is what we believed and followed before the white man introduced the Bible to us. Don’t get me wrong I’m not disagreeing with the Bible, I was brought up in a Christian home, but I’m all for the idea yes, we got the new information but what about our beliefs? At some point, my high school teacher told me these people prayed for rain and somehow that worked why not do this now? What’s different? These are the kind of questions I went back unanswered after close to one hour conversation with the ladies. Smart ladies to be precise. I can’t wait to hang out with them next week, sometimes a drink is just a drink no one should be ‘eaten’ Lakini akikaa vibaya, why not?