Texting Etiquette

Cring cring. Cring cring.

I feel my phone vibrate in my left pocket. I feel the urge to fish it out and check but there no time to blink. I can’t lose focus now, nikipata hawa ni hivyo gari imekula! 

 It’s around “five-ish”, rush hour, we literally racing to town, my Kimbo – Matangi and Ruiru Ndani people are waiting in line at Odeon, Sacco ni jamo, Lopha Traveler’s, na mimi niko Gwa kairu. This place! One day I’ll tell you guys everything about this place.

 In this business, time is literally money. Forgive us for the “mwisho gari faster, faster tushuke na jam.” Now let me introduce to you umakanga mathematics 101. The goal is to make as much money as possible and this can only be achieved by doing extra rounds or squads as they are commonly referred to. So, the less time you take to reach to point B, even an extra ten minutes for a matatu uko idhaa mbaya. Yet ironically, nyinyi ndo mna mbio kuliko matatu, Lord how I hate “hii yako haina watu!”

Where was I, Gwa-kairu, standing in front of about fifteen men armed with spades, buckets and bags hawa haikosi wametoka koroga, as if addressing them after a long day at work making me feel like a foreman, only that we have that meeting where we get to decide how much they willing to pay, mnajijua nyinyi wa, kuvuta makanga kando, kamkutano,

 “Mimi naenda Roysambu bado ni 50?” Pause.  “Niko na thirty”.

“Ma-engineer ingieni na forty twende gari ya thirty iliisha. Kura za Baba hazikutosha tunateseka sote, ati mnashukia wapi?  I announce while taking one of the stacks of buckets from them now they have no option but follow me, same way mama goat dutifully follows when you carry her kid.

In a very heavy Luo accent he says back, “Tunashukia Allsops” by now we are at the matatu door with a smile I stand at the side and usher them in, 

“Tuketi pande ya pesa ma-engineer” I say as the men board the bus handing the buckets to the last man, the good thing about mjengo people, I said “people” siku hizi kuna hadi wanawake, it is that bad my people, wanajua kujipanga them and their cargo.

My phone vibrates again.

The commotion has attracted five more people, now I get comfortable actually matatu sai ni chwani. Nairobi Hamusini Hamusini. I dig out my phone click the power button in put the four-digit password, swipe down only to find a WhatsApp notification written in bold green italics,

“You might have new messages”

This always annoys me and raises my curiosity at the same time, well played WhatsApp, they are my messages but showing them to me is where you draw the line, now I have to tap on the notification opening WhatsApp app.  As soon the chats sections display, two motorbikes pull up each with two ladies, na hawa lazima wawe wanaenda mahali, huwezi ng’ara hivi vyote ukuje kusimama stage. Na ni Friday!

 I lock my phone put it back into my pocket, take out two one hundred shillings notes from my back pocket, fold them straight and out of tradition hold them between my fingers, ile stingo ya makanga. I don’t know who invented this style but I can confidently report to you ata makanga wa India hushika pesa kama wa Kenya, the difference is that our Kenyan busses are classier than theirs.

Holding the notes, I approach the possible clients, hivi and in that maroon uniform huwezi kosa kujua kazi nafanya, thanks to the Michuki Laws.

“Hamsini, hamsini Nairobi na njiani. Mnashukia wapi warembo” I ask as soon as am a stone throw away.

They ignore me, expected.

“Ni how much?” the one who seems to be the leader of the pack asks the nduthi guys. She is in a brown with beige strips dress tight in all the necessary areas, with her phone in her hand ready to start the M-pesa transactions. This is my cue, offering a quick solution.

“Kama mnaenda town niwalipie mkalie hii inataka watano itoke tulipiane ndani” I say while handing one hundred-shilling note to one of the nduthi guy but don’t let go, this way we both an end of the note waiting for her confirmation.

“Ni how much?” she asks me.

“Fifty bob” I say back.

“Babes wacha alipe utamtumia zote tuingie isijae tuketi nyuma” her colleague offers while tapping “babes” who had her phone in hand, now I know who to claim my money from.

“Hampendi za nyuma?” I cheekily ask. They all giggle and start walking towards the bus

I release the note and follow the ladies.

 “Na yangu” the other nduthi guy ask. I hand him the other hundred bob note and inform the ladies tusikosanie huko ndani. I hope by now you taking notes, Kujaza manyanga 101.

Few minutes later gari iko chrome, sasa ni highway gari ni ya teke teke, kwanza siku hizi fare ni one “andred” shilling, not our fault though, tulipe ushuru wadau. We in this together Najivunia kuwa mkenya has turned to Najihurumia kuwa mkenya juzi I heard navumilia kuwa Mkenya. It can’t be forever bad though, ai how now? God got us, as the motto goes; Maombi, hustle na wizi hapa na pale, kumi huyu mbao yule jioni imefika rwambe pesa inaweza nununua unga 2kg. I don’t know where that 145 one the commander of state buys iko wapi huku kwetu the last time I checked the cheapest 2kg is two hundred shillings! I miss the times Unga was seventy shillings hadi kulikuwa na ya kupima! Just when I start feeding myself, they got cooking oil at a thousand shilling! Ata Ugali si must am Kiuq Waru got my back.

We’re past Clay works, and am doing my ritual going round confirming M-pesa messages, huku nje mnalipa na “please call” me na messages za juzi and yet ironically makanga ndo mwizi.

“Message madam” I say to her.  She is “babes” and out of everyone she owes me the most.

“Angalia Sharline, kwa simu yako, yangu haiijaleta” she says back.

I oblige, grab my phone from my pocket and unlock it displaying about five new WhatsApp messages. Forgot I was checking who had missed me earlier before locking it.

“Nimepika supper” the messages read accompanied with a picture of her in the kitchen. This is what I call texting etiquette, unakuja na evidence.

“Umepata?”  Sharline impatiently asks.

“Ndo naangalia”, I plainly lie while switching apps from WhatsApp to messages. 

“Nikumbushe jina”

“Sharline” she replies angrily.

“Hiyo ingine” not that its necessary just because I can, humbleness is a virtue to be taught to all no matter the age.

“Nyakio” she replies almost in a whisper.

“Iko sawa” I say back and smile easing the tension.

We’re now past Kahawa Barracks headed to town, hakuna mtu wa Githurai stage ya kwanza ni Roysambu. Finally mans can catch a breath plus the journey back is way easier. Slowly I walk towards the door and sit on the reserved makanga “seat”  

Sit. Unlock my phone and reply,

      Mpishi ashaiva siwezi kula yeye kwanza🤪🥵