The Playlist

Remember when akina P-unit, Kleptomaniacs, not forgetting wale wasee wa kutoka Githurai ruled our airwaves? Those were good times, but hey time makes celebrities. Imagine if E-sir was still with us and still singing! Year 2000 kids excuse me, grown people are talking. I still can’t believe these are the people in university, like what the mugweru? Guys we’re getting old, shukisheni nishuke mimi, siko ready. I’m not ready. Mimi bado ni baby boy. Ati mtoto wa 2000 ana vote sai! Have you registered as voter by the way? Better question, are you going to vote?

“Commit a crime and I’ll be defender, overpower me so that I surrender, hmm, I wish I could be your saliva, so that I can taste your lips he whenever, I envy your hipster vile inakushikaa…”

old school Kenyan music hits all the right spots. Now with someone with the knowledge and a wonderful playlist, you only need a bottle of gin.

I only trust a few people with the playlist, I can count the people I can genuinely ask, “connect BT yako.” Top of the list is Wapush. I have known this man for close to ten years. I’m sure he doesn’t know this, but back then he had no beards, he was out here looking like a boiled egg, ati sai yeye ndo anaenda kinyozi confidently, “Usinyoe ndevu, vuta side burn kidogo.” How time flies or as he likes to say, he is all grown, bibi pekee ndo hapati.

Being a Friday and him being around, I can bet on my life that today I’ll be sleeping drunk, one way or another. We all have that one friend.

Waputo has a way of making me misbehave, in a responsible way of course. This way we hold business meetings, work and still manage to have fun to the fullest. Violently my phone rings,

“Uko wapi, niko KM”

He doesn’t even say ‘hello’ announcing his presence kama Uhunye akipita Thika road. Ju its a Friday, KU students are prone to go to town Lakini ni kama mamembers hayuko flow ni kidogo, funzeni fresher mashimo bana! For me, niko mboka as this generation would say, I’m working ni Friday nahitaji za weekend na wiki ju sasa.

“Niko hapa KU nangoja kubeba”.

I say back. He hangs up. I’m not bothered furthermore nigga just woke me up, unajua venye usingizi ya kiti ya nyuma ya basi ina slap diffrent. As I’m about to shut my eyes again, he calls.

nikuje twende squadi?

Sasawa nimebakisha gari mbili nibebe harakisha.

We settle that and I go back to sleep. Wapush anakuja. Shit, Wapush anakuja! Hawezi kosa kimoja! I now call him, “Nitokee na kimoja” this time I’m the one not even saying hallo, why waste time si ati ata yeye anajua. Few minutes later Wapush shows up armed with her highness but with cops all over its impossible to light her up. Wasee kwani urezo hupewa security kubwa aje? Cops are all over Thika road leo tumevaa hadi full uniform, not because we were told to but just to be on the safer side, as the saying goes, makanga hajawai kosa makosa. I think hii ndo ilifanya Wapush a rethink story ya squad only to meet him later na ile kitu yetu bado ameniwekea intact. Wapush is very convincing you’ll always find yourself in a party you never intended to. Not that am complaining, all I’m saying with his skills he’d make a very good politician.

“We ebu angalia duka imefunguliwa ununue spaghetti ukuje nazo kuna mayai tukule” Wapush blurts out as soon as I pick up his call.

It’s around 11pm am strolling in these streets after getting everyone home. I’m sure you all think conductors and drivers sleep in the buses. Trying to find some supper, chenye nimepata it’s not what he wants. Mimi nina mkate na mayai. I still haven’t figured what the plan is lakini nina basis hii maisha ya ubachelor ni ngumu sana. We argue for few minutes me complaining on how I ain’t going all the way back to Otis shop. The only guy who is open past 10.

“Basi chukua ka quarter ukuje nako”

Sasa hii haina counter attack. This is why I still believed this nigga is a liquor whisperer he says this as if he knows I’m standing facing the liquor store. I start complaining while involuntary walking towards the liquor store. For me there’s no point of return besides, it’s Friday, ata kama ni kubaya why not?

Gin is my poison na si alafu chrome walifanya ile kitu, I know most of you graduated my grandpa included kutoka kwa ile ya white tu hii ya green. I pick a bottle say hey to Vaite who is complaining about lack of rain in Meru affecting his business, and walk home loaded. On a normal day I wouldn’t do this but ju ya peer pressure, Leo I let loose get to enjoy this kitu natumia anatumia, kahawa and such. This time this guy has scars and dents all over na tulikuwa tumeskia fununu. Drunk him tells all kind of stories. He is one mysterious guy; you will never tell his next move you know those intelligent guys who don’t look intelligent wale unaskia alipata A unashtuka. Down to earth, nowadays he’s that one guy who turns up we party and also a guide for the Tembea Nami, ikifika kwa terrains he is your guy and as he said we trans versing the ridges and falls of Kiambu county, Kiambururu Falls under his lead together with Poppa, the hidden gems of 254. You should join us.

I get to Lude’s house for obvious reasons. This is the safest location and convenient to all of us. Nafika right on time eggs are about to be ready, “shika uongeze hizi” I announce while handing Wapush the self-proclaimed chef a mixture of eggs and shells in a plastic bag. No matter how much I try, the devil always finds a way to try push me down, earlier I had slid and fallen, me and my eggs. I survived but for my four eggs three broke, luckily ju Mungu ni Yule msee and Otis customers are mostly drunk he anticipates such accidents and wraps goods purchased effectively enough to hold my yolks and shells together inside, hapa na apply ile chemistry ya separation supper ninayo. At this point marriage doesn’t sound that bad. I unpack all the goodies with me kick my shoes and socks out and join Lude as we wait for Wapush to work his magics. We have dinner at around 12, its Friday we’re allowed to misbehave a little. Sasa, we set si huyu afungunguliwe, its high time to first honor the ancestors alafu confirm ni legit then share with the respective parties. I don’t know how you people share liquor but when we meet, we got some kind of tradition. Am not saying we’re cooler than you, no, we probably are but that isn’t the point. Also, mainly because Wapush is one traditional drunk.

“Furahia, furahia forehead maisha, furahia, spare the Lord spoil the girl, up your game venye inafaa, wakikuzaa kwa moon we in the star wakikuja kushtuka we are very far, kumbuka hii umeambiwa na Okwonkwo kwa nyumba yako wewe ndo sonko…”

“Wapush dents ulitoa wapi?”

I finally ask. We’re partially past halfway the bottle and from this point forward, its permitted to blame the alcohol for any act. We’re all quiet waiting for him to answer. Gently Wapush pulls out his phone unlocks it, scrolls a little a bit then passes it to Lude, dramatically he pours himself a shot and drinks it.

“Msee rada kwani ulikuwa umeng’olewa lips?” Lude asks loudly. I get curious and snatch the phone from Lude. All this time Wapush is silent satisfied with his move. “Msee nini ilihappen?” I ask while comparing the picture and his lips. He notices turns left points at the furthest end of the lips and proudly says, “Uzi nane” pours another shot and drinks it.

WAPUTO’S VERSION OF THE STORY:

“Man, that day was awesome, tumetoka KM na the dudes tukafika into the jungle where we found the jungle cruiser himself Marto AKA Poppah. This day was all about hiking and you know, just being free in the wild. Y’all know how the story went down, beautiful scenery, lots of craziness, not forgetting ile mutura ya soo tatu n jug ya 2 chwani but that’s not the story supposed I’m to tell here. Everyone wants to know how I ended up with Uzi nane on my lips, so here it is: –

It happened that after these dudes had left the jungle, Poppah and I decided to go back to Nduta’s for one more jug-daniels by which you all know it’s never just one. Oh, just so you know, Nduta calls Guiness “ire pobe ya brack”, but that’s a story for another day. By my calculations we had one too many, some of which zilinunuliwa na mumama wa Harrier. By the time we were done with all of them, my guy Poppah had already “K.O’d” you should see the pictures, and we had to leave the place and get him home. So, after getting him up to his gate, I decided to stagger nikimedi on my way home with some cool music playing on my phone. I took out my phone and started scrolling to get the perfect music for this vibe and that’s when this guy saw me staggering all alone on the road and he thought to himself “huyu msee ni mlevi naweza msnach simu na nimtoke mbio.” What he did not know was that I was a 100M Olympic champion back in Muhoho (yes, that Muhoho High School) for the distance between class and dining hall. Muigai here will interject that niliishi kuwacheza topu kila siku but I say that victory was for the fittest, in this case, the fastest. So anyway, the guy follows me then quickly snatches my phone and starts running to the opposite direction. Upon seeing that, my freight hormones are raised to 100% and I’m chasing him like Daniel Ojambo Adongo in the last minutes za game, unashika iyo speed, ama?

To my luck, the guy is just another loser and weak ass who can’t run 50M, I’m on his heels. The next thing I did ilikua kum-divia ki De Gea, that’s where I got my first dents near my ear when we fell down. I quickly held him by the neck and started raining blows on his face, asking him to give back my phone. Still hesitating, I dragged him to the side of the road ndio katambe vizuri sasa without interruption from other road userthat may have been out there zururaing.

“Leo niko na nani jamaa… niko na… cheka na mimi ka unafeel poa, cheka nami kama wewe ni bachelor na hujaoa, cheka nami kama umekunywa na unakojoa…”

“Mimi hawawezi niibia Nairobi na waniibie nyumbani, kwani mbwa hupigiwa kwao?” he finally concludes confidently.

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